Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for adviceš
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Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Everyone is all ālove is patientā during the wedding but when thereās a long line for the open bar, not so much.
ā« Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ā«
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshitā¦wasā¦reading.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because Youāre Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, weāll look back on this day and think, āCrap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.ā
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thineā¦pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a āfresh startā and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, heād never hear the end of it.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Velcrow
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.