My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
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Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”