Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
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YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.