*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
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I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
The Others (2001)
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Can. I. Help. You.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.