So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 馃拃
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
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Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
If there鈥檚 a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don鈥檛 really wanna join but I鈥檇 like to be asked
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Listen, I鈥檓 all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It鈥檚 not the dress, it鈥檚 the woman wearing it.
Me: 馃槉
16: So you鈥檙e pretty much screwed, I don鈥檛 know what to tell you.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn鈥檛 you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency