Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
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Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.