Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
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Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I put the p in pants.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
🤭😂
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches