The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
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My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Extremely relatable.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?