Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
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“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
FRED: right
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.