The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
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7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.