the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
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Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
My god she’s good.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.