It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
You Might Also Like
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.