Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
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A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Ok, but like, how married are you?
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me