“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
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Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
i wish all
whales
a very
big
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.