Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
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How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT