I put the p in pants.
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*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
what day is it?
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month