If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
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me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Fights fire with marshmallows
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.