I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
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The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I didn’t realize that was an option
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
when someone rings the doorbell
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Finally!
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies