Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
You Might Also Like
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*