Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
You Might Also Like
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
this is literally a CIA plant
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
A friend helps you before you need it
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.