Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
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*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
sir, my pâté if you please
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]