Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
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[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.