last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
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Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.