Raisins are grape jerky.
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It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.