WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
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This dude got his own movie?
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
My love language is hissing.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.