can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
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waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious