I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
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My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
😂😂😂
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.