Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
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Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*