When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
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Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face