25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
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Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years