My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
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Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
you will never know the true number of layers
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”