[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
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The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.