I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
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My dog after a walk in the woods.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.