ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
You Might Also Like
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I wish I were this cool 😂
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”