If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
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It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks