I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
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the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Where is your GOD now????
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I’m being attacked 😭
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???