Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
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[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.