*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
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I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics