Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
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feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?