“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
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How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*