when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
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This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Yes
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Breaking news:
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium