Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
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*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.