Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
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I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.