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No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.