Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
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[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.