No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
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The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
This dude got his own movie?
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk