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Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME