what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
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Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
shut up and take my money
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.