Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
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UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions