[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
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Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then